Ectopic pregnancy

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Full Circle

full circleThere’s a part of me that can’t believe I’m writing this, that it’s happened – that we have become one of the lucky ones. Life can feel cruel sometimes and fate so unfair, but then there are little rays, gifts. There are miracles.

And I know this because I’m pregnant again.

Me.

I know!

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A Word on Loss

lossI have never wanted to stand out.

There is a certain amount of fanfare and fuss that comes with infertility and loss but of course, it isn’t the good kind. When the most important thing in your life is something you have no control over, and being let down by your body has such far-reaching consequences, all you want is to fade into the background: to be average, to be a normal family.

It’s been six months since I lost our baby: our miracle conception, our beating of the odds, our pat on the back from the universe.

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Sometimes We Lose Things

Image by Stuart Rodgers http://instagram.com/rodgersstuart

I hold my son a little tighter tonight; stroke his head once more than needed. I breathe his sleepy sighs and inhale his whispered Mama. He makes my heart hurt a little less; I am so thankful for him.

Recently, like too many others, we lost something. And I really don’t know how I should be now, what I should do. I don’t know if this is private; if I should explain my absences and cancelled plans with vague excuses of flu and a packed schedule. Or if I should admit that something big and sad has happened, and that I’m not okay at the moment.

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