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The Big Baby’s Guide to Newborn Bundles

Do not be alarmed - I come in peace

Hey there baby,

How’s it going? Blink once for good, twice for bad and three times for I don’t know what the hell you are saying.

It’s okay if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment, it’s a tough old world. Not that you will have seen much beyond your parents arms and the little prison they call your crib, but I appreciate you haven’t had the easiest start and are probably still catching your breath.  Let me reassure you before we go any further, what happened on day one is NOT typical – I promise!

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Milestones of Motherhood

Is your baby as advanced in house-wrecking as mine?

When you have a baby, everyone – from your parents, to your friends, to your Health Visitor, to the Grandmother in the park you have literally never laid eyes on before – want to know all about your baby’s milestones.

Do they crawl?

Can they pull up to stand?

Are they walking yet?

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Sometimes We Lose Things

Image by Stuart Rodgers http://instagram.com/rodgersstuart

I hold my son a little tighter tonight; stroke his head once more than needed. I breathe his sleepy sighs and inhale his whispered Mama. He makes my heart hurt a little less; I am so thankful for him.

Recently, like too many others, we lost something. And I really don’t know how I should be now, what I should do. I don’t know if this is private; if I should explain my absences and cancelled plans with vague excuses of flu and a packed schedule. Or if I should admit that something big and sad has happened, and that I’m not okay at the moment.

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Suburban Fairy Tale

 

171Once upon a time, on the edge of the city, in a land pretty much like everywhere else, there lived a Mummy.  From the outset, she was a pretty ordinary Mummy, with scruffy hair and a wobbly tummy. She spent her days tidying her house, but it was never tidy. She spent her days feeding her baby, but he always needed feeding again. She spent her days drinking her cup of tea, but it never got finished. She spent her days rocking her baby to sleep, but he never slept enough. She spent her days trying to do other things too, but they never got done.

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Stuff I Don’t Have To Do Now I Have a Baby

The face of my freedom

It can be all too easy at times to mourn the things that are no longer available to me now that there’s a baby on the scene. Like long showers, being spontaneous and a decent or even half-decent night’s sleep.

For the moment at least, late night partying is well behind us; we might still be up at 3 AM and there may even be a bottle and the occasional vomit involved, but the circumstances are altogether quite different. Lazy mornings relaxing together are replaced by tag-team parenting at the weekend and begging, pleading and blackmailing for an extra 10 minutes of shut-eye in the week. This baby lark hasn’t half changed things around here.

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All Day and All of the Night

If you're happy and you know it...

10:30 PM

Go to bed; don’t pretend you don’t want to.

OK, I will go. I hope the baby sleeps tonight, he drank all his milk, the temperature is right and I said a prayer. I bet he will sleep. I’ll just do some reading.

GET THE HELL TO BED

12:00 MIDNIGHT

Already? Throw me a bone here, baby.

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Letter To My Inner Idiot

IMG_3774Dear Idiot,

I am writing this for your own good, for our own good really. I know you don’t think you are an idiot, which is kind of one of the main issues, and why I have deemed it necessary to take action. You actually seem to fancy yourself as a bit of a smarty pants with your time saving ideas, stupid lists and unrealistic expectations. But let me be clear, you are a fool. And it’s about time someone told you – other than your husband, who we both know rarely gets a fair hearing.

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Write on, Mummy*

writingA clever and insightful philosopher type person once said,

If you wish to be a writer, write

(Epictetus)

I think that’s what he said anyway. I have since had a baby, and lost half my memory and two thirds of my brain cells.

It took me a while to get down with that ever so famous and wise quote though. I sort of resented it.  It’s all very well, I would think, making it sound so simple. But where do I get the time? The inspiration? The chance to research? It was different for these Greek Philosophy fellows. They didn’t have an office job, a full social life and two series of Mad Men backing up the Sky Box. I’m a bit too busy to just write.

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Shush! World… Don’t wake the baby

Silence please everyone - it sleeps

Heavily pregnant and blissfully ignorant, I sat chatting to my Mum about the practicalities, as I saw them, of having a baby. I was very clued up you see, having browsed several forums, read some pamphlets and flicked through a baby book. I blithely explained, ‘You see, Mum, nowadays babies must sleep in the same room as you at all times, so I will carry him or her around in its bouncer while I do jobs and watch TV, or in its pram while I’m out and about. That way the baby will sleep better anyway, being used to every day sounds and noises and I can just get on with what I’m doing.’ I had it all sussed.

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Attack of the Baby

photo (14)Put simply, babies are experts in attacking their parents from day dot. Mums in particular seem to bear the brunt of their aggression, having their appetites, energy levels, bladders and stomach muscles used and abused before we’ve even met them. But, like vampires, we invited them in so really can’t complain. They were just doing their thing and we were generally, pretty happy to accommodate.

As newborns, the attacks may become less direct, but are still at large. Their marks can be clearly evidenced under and around the eyes of all new parents – again, Mums especially.

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As Long as You’re Happy

20140713-151733-55053732.jpg

Today you screamed and shouted until I sat you on my knee
I only wanted to use the toilet, by myself, for 40 seconds
I think you expect me to ignore my basic bodily functions
It’s quite hard to wee with a climbing 1 year old attached, by the way
Well, as long as you’re happy, I told you
The look you gave me said, obviously.

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