I started this in the midst of a very Bad Mum Day. The kind when, despite best intentions, nothing gets done, everything goes wrong and the baby senses your stress and uses it to destroy your spirit. It seems the more I try to achieve some days, the less I manage. I woke with a long To Do list – FYI, To Do lists only make you feel like a failure; and a determination to make my son an amazing cake for his Birthday the following day. By 6 p.m. I had a questionable sponge with toxic green icing (I’d attempted baby blue), and hadn’t crossed one thing off my silly, over ambitious list. I’m not sure why writing a poem about it seemed a sensible option, but it was apparently too early for gin.
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Can you believe I am almost one? Time flies, apparently. I wouldn’t know, having no concept of clichéd expressions or indeed of flying and time, but I heard you say it to the lady in the Post Office and it sounded nice.
I feel so grown up compared to 12 months ago and I’m sure you would say the same. OK, I heard you say that in the Post Office too, but I had thought it first. When I was born, I didn’t really know my front from my back and if I’m being honest, Mummy, I wasn’t all that keen on things. It was too loud, it was too bright, and I felt hungry and grouchy a lot of the time, as I’m sure you well remember.
I have found having a baby HARD. And that is not to say I don’t love it. I enjoy the time with my son far, far more than any day at work, mostly. And I feel so very lucky to be in this position. But it isn’t easy.
I have sometimes felt, especially in the early days though, that I was being a bit lightweight and lame about the whole thing. People had babies all the time right? And life went on. People went back to work WEEKS after giving birth, whilst I was still struggling to get dressed. Was I the only one who found it difficult? Was it me? Was it my baby? Mostly, our days were a whirl of feeding (him), sleeping (him), crying (both), and attempting and failing to complete basic tasks that in hindsight were probably still too ambitious (me).