Full Circle

Home / Full Circle - October 14, 2015 , by yvettelamb

There’s a part of me that can’t believe I’m writing this, that it’s happened – that we have become one of the lucky ones. Life can feel cruel sometimes and fate so unfair, but then there are little rays, gifts. There are miracles.

And I know this because I’m pregnant again.

Me.

I know!

After our last cycle of IVF failed in May, it was fair to say I hit a bit of a wall. We didn’t even tell our parents we were undergoing treatment again, just two very kind friends who helped so much with childcare, understanding and empathy. This time it didn’t feel exciting, or like much of an adventure at all. If anything, I felt caught between a rock and a hard place: on the brink of 35, three years older than our first cycle with the same fertility problems, plus a M.I.A fallopian tube thrown in to the mix as well. I didn’t approach IVF with a lot of enthusiasm if I’m honest, but I knew – we’d been told – that it was our best shot at conceiving, and were aware our odds of success were higher while I was under 35. It’s just great feeling like you have geriatric ovaries when you’re only in your mid-30s (it’s not).

Anyway, it didn’t work. It was a horrible time, particularly because during the wait to see if we were successful, I have never felt more pregnant in my life. Dizziness, nausea and the same food aversions from my previous pregnancies arrived in spades, but then so did a negative test and my period. Oh.

In hindsight, it makes sense that the progesterone pessaries would cause similar symptoms and that it might not have felt so cruel if I didn’t have two prior experiences of how it felt to be pregnant. Additionally, because we are complete masochists, the failed cycle coincided with my 35th birthday and what would have been the due date of the baby we lost. I never thought I’d cry at the site of a big chocolate cake, but there’s a first time for everything (I still ate it though, obviously).

We talked about undergoing treatment again, and I knew we would, eventually. We wanted to have another baby – a sibling for our little boy – but for the moment, all I felt was anger towards stupid IVF and its crappy drugs and bloody useless false hope-giving eggs. It hadn’t worked, we had lost, and I knew I needed time to accept that before boarding the train again, old ovaries or no old ovaries. We talked about the end of the year and trying naturally again because, why not? We had nothing to lose after all.

Fast forward two months and we began trying after leaving my body to get back to normal for a cycle. I woke up after a night at a friend’s house, where I’d spent a lovely evening drinking wine and talking about everything and nothing. I put my light-headedness down to too much alcohol and my funny stomach down to the gorgeously greasy takeaway. I did know my period was due that day and was yet to arrive – but when you’ve been trying for babies on and off for years, these kinds of thoughts pass fleetingly all the time and you learn to mostly shove them to the back of your mind and remind yourself you’re infertile.

But actually, this time, it was something. A bunch of cells were at that moment multiplying inside me to become a tiny human, gluing themselves to me, connecting. We had made a baby. Five days later, I tested, almost annoyed at myself for daring to hope, nearly certain that peeing on a stick would cause my missing period to arrive with a big fat I told you so. I didn’t even mention anything to my husband, knowing that despite his strength, he had been left emotionally battered too and I was sick of getting both of our hopes up all the times I thought I might be pregnant but wasn’t. So him at work, our toddler napping upstairs and my cheese on toast under the grill, I took the test.

full circleAnd immediately saw two dark blue lines.

And burnt the cheese on toast.

I’m now 17 weeks and our little bun is due in March. I know that we are lucky; so, so lucky and we haven’t stopped feeling grateful for even a moment since that positive test.

Physically, everything has progressed without too much issue so far – again we’ve been very fortunate. The anxieties left from my ectopic pregnancy made the first weeks difficult though; and even today I found myself biting my lip and crossing my fingers as the midwife checked baby’s heartbeat for the first time. Pregnancy after loss is such a different experience to my first, where I happily assumed everything would be okay and that getting pregnant was the trickiest part.

But, I am so very happy to be in this position, to have had the privilege of the first weeks of worry when I had honestly begun to fear we never would. It feels like we have come full circle; from our early innocent years of trying for S, to the eventual IVF which led to him, to our amazing natural conception which quickly went so wrong, to the following months of desperately trying instead of just trying to heal, to the tough failed fertility treatment and now magically, to today: where we have always wanted to be.

I don’t understand quite how we got here, why this happened. I just know if we hadn’t experienced everything else, we wouldn’t be at this point now. And I know fate isn’t everyone’s cup of coffee but to me this does feel meant to be, as though we were led here. This was our path. This is our story.

I know there is no one size fits all message for people experiencing infertility or loss, or both, and that so many stories have different endings. I don’t think anyone ever forgets where they’ve come from, whatever the outcome. We play the cards we’re dealt while rolling with the punches and riding the good times. Ultimately, I guess that is all we can do.

As for me, there will always be a place in my heart for what might have been, but I am ready to move forwards – to see what’s over the rainbow – and am just so thankful to be starting this new chapter in our journey, together.

Here’s to an exciting and sleep-deprived 2016 – with more big trouble ahead!

A quick word of thanks to everyone who took the time to read, comment or share the three pieces I wrote on here about IVF, our loss and trying to heal. It is enormously important I think to try and normalise infertility and pregnancy loss and by supporting this blog, you have helped with this so much. I also continue to be so touched by those who share their own stories with me or offer words of comfort. Thank you.

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50 thoughts on “Full Circle”

  1. Tara says:

    What lovely news. Many congratulations.

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thanks so much Tara 🙂

  2. Tinuke says:

    Oh how fantastic for you all! Congratulations xxx

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Huge thanks Tinuke! xx

  3. Brooke says:

    Congratulations, Yvette! So happy for you, and look forward to more news. I wish the best for you over these next weeks/months!

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thanks so much Brooke – I really appreciate it! 🙂

  4. Helen says:

    Whoopee!! Congratulations! I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I felt so connected to you on reading this entry – some different events for me, but such familiar feelings and thoughts. I pride myself in some ways on having dealt so well with having a baby after previous losses, but even at its absolute best it is still such a singular experience and can’t ever be ‘plain sailing’. I think the best we can ever do is hang on tight and surf the strange and sometimes enormous waves of feelings and anxieties when they happen. Best of luck and much joy to you while you’re doing your surfing!

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Hi Helen, thank you for such a lovely message – it made me well up. I know no two journeys are ever the same but it’s good to discover people who have ultimately been there and understand the highs and hard times behind loss. I’m really sorry for your losses, and huge congratulations on your baby.
      Here’s to surfing the waves!

  5. Oh congratulations honey sending you big *hugs*! Xx

  6. This is a wonderful post to read and I am so, so happy for you. My daughter is a March baby too – they’re full of the joys of spring. Best of luck and I wish you all sleep in the world before you have double trouble to worry about! x

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thanks so much! Ah that’s nice to hear, March does seem like a lovely month to welcome a little Spring chick! Wise words on the sleep… I’ll go to bed ASAP and set my alarm for late February 😉

  7. Victoria Hicks says:

    Congratulations! Wishing you and your family all the very best, a safe and healthy pregnancy & a happy healthy baby. x

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thanks so much Victoria! 🙂

  8. Hurrah!!!! So happy for you! What fabulous news!!! Xxxx

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Ahhh, thanks so much lovely lady! Even worth the lack of gin! 😉 xxx

  9. Becky says:

    Congratulations! Lovely news!

  10. Oh this is the best news and the best blog post I’ve read. Congratulations. March will be here before you know it eeeeeeekkkkkk xx

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thank you so much! I really remember your kind words from the post I wrote about my ectopic, it was greatly appreciated – thank you xx

  11. Eeeeeeep I am so so happy for you. Hugest of congratulations and wishing you a happy healthy pregnancy loveky lady xxx

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thank you so much lovely Lisa! Much appreciated and hope you are good 🙂 xx

  12. Kat says:

    Oh Yvette, delighted for you. What a wonderful and well deserved happy ending. Kat x

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Hi Kat! Thanks so much for your kind words, much appreciated. I hope all is well with your and your little bambino 🙂 x

  13. Congratulations! Fantastic news. I believe in fate too xx

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Ah thank you so much. Fate is a good old bird sometimes hey! 🙂 x

  14. In years reading this. Wonderful happy news. Congratulations. Xxxxxx

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thanks so much lady – my phone always does that too!
      This is why I’m thinking I won’t make Britmums!! 2017 for sure! x

  15. Michelle says:

    A great big congratulations to both of you, wonderful news x

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thank you so much! 🙂

  16. Kimberley says:

    Wonderful, blessed miracles. Sometimes we just don’t know why. This life is a mystery. Many congratulations to you and your family.

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thank you so much Kimberley. All so true, life is such a mystery. Really appreciate your message.

  17. Congratulations! That’s amazing!

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thanks so much Eleanor!

  18. Congratulations Yvette. I remember I shared with you my story on your post about loss. And here I am back after a gap of sometime to read this post. IVFs, IUIs are God’s way ( and of course medical science’s way) to make us believe miracles happen. May you be blessed with a healthy child.

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thank you so much Anamika, yes I remember your story to motherhood well. I agree – science and faith combined make amazing things possible for so many of us x

  19. Oh MY GOODNESS! Yay! A big whopping congratulations! I’m an IVF survivor too. Very very glad for you that you got your miracle baby- yay! Yay! and yay some more! xxx

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thank you so, so much E. I always remember a fellow IVF survivor 🙂 very much appreciate your kind wishes!

  20. Ah amazing amazing amazing!! Huge congratulations xxx

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Ah thank you so much Emily! xx

  21. Emma says:

    Congratulations! You’re so right, it’s really important to normalize infertility and baby loss. I had 2 years infertility, a miracle baby, a miscarriage and a rainbow and I too feel like this was meant to be and I’m blessed to be here. Sending lots of good wishes for your pregnancy and new family of four x

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment. I don’t think I was able to comprehend how many people are or have been in similar positions with infertility and loss until I started writing about it. It is both comforting and sad, but so pleased you have your rainbow and also feel able to make some sense of it all – I guess we sort of have to, to move on. Wishing you the very best too x

  22. Laura says:

    Sorry for the late reply, only just caught up on blog reading but massive, massive congratulations! Such beautiful news. xxxx

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thanks so much Laura – very much appreciated! x

  23. Congratulations! What wonderful news! It’s funny, you popped into my head yesterday while I was driving (having read and commented on your post ‘sometimes we lose things’, you’ve kind of staying in my mind) and I wondered if you could be pregnant again so I just popped over here and was greeted by this post – really made me smile! xx

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Ah, thank you so much Maddy. That is really quite spooky! Thank you for your lovely, supportive comments both back then and now and hope things are well with you (I remember really enjoying your blog when I discovered it through linkys – P4T maybe – in the earlier days and so many good reads have since slipped through the net with forgetfulness and general life – will get you back on my radar asap!) x

  24. Jenny says:

    Wow! What an awesome post! Congratulations!!!! I am so excited for you!

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thanks so, so much Jenny! 🙂 x

  25. Laura says:

    Congratulations! You must be so excited. i can’t imagine how difficulty our journey must have been, but this was lovely to read.

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