So everybody knows that you shouldn’t rely on your own judgment, intuition and kids’ wellbeing to decide if you’re doing okay in the parenting department. These factors make unreliable measuring tools and are not to be trusted – if the quality of your offspring’s care matters to you at all.
Instead, taking this highly sophisticated and insightful parenting quiz will tell you – for sure – whether you’re a hit or a hazard in the world of child rearing. What’s more, you can find out in just five of your earth minutes!
Parenting Quiz – Questions!
1. How clean and tidy is your house?
A) Immaculate of course, with not a stitch out of place. With a little organisation and a few hours’ work per day, it is easy to keep on top of everything – and the satisfaction is so worth the effort.
B) Well, it’s comfortable. But otherwise it depends on the day and my frame of mind. If you’re not afraid of the odd sticky surface and the giant pile of laundry (or four) then you’ll be fine. Just try not to break your ankle tripping on all the plastic toy tat.
C) A bit smelly if I’m honest, and very muddy. And there are wee stains. But I like it.
2. What do you feed your children?
A) Fresh, organic food cooked three times per day. I don’t allow for fussy or faddy eating, and my children delightedly tuck into everything from tofu to smoked salmon, alongside a generous helping of leafy greens (home grown – naturally).
B)What I can persuade them to eat and what I have the time and inclination to cook. Therefore sometimes it’s beef casserole, sometimes it’s fish fingers. They are possibly better acquainted with beans and biscuits than they need to be.
C) I give them whatever slop is lying around, once I’ve had my share of course. For puddings, I sometimes have a rummage in the bin, but only if they’ve been very good.
3. How do you relax in the evening?
A) Once I have completed all essential household chores like ironing bed sheets and thoroughly cleaning the oven, I use my remaining bags of energy to indulge in a light hobby such as learning Mandarin or baking the perfect soufflé.
B) It varies depending on whether the little gremlins stay asleep or not but often: food, TV, and slouching silently on the sofa. The beautiful, snooze-inviting sofa.
C) I usually relax by having a sleep myself. That way I don’t hear them if they wake, and some other sucker can deal with it.
4. How do your children sleep?
A) Very well of course. Sleep is instrumental for development, and implementing the correct routine is all that is required. Anyone whose baby doesn’t sleep well only has their own bad habits and inconsistent behaviour to blame.
B) However they blinking well feel like it, little blighters. We have tried a variety of things (including begging), but now mostly accept that there will be good nights and there will be bad nights. Thankfully, there will ALWAYS be coffee.
C) Tucked up safe in my bosom, snoring softly. Or alone on the floor whilst I roam around outside for an hour or two.
5. Are your children meeting their milestones?
A) Of course! And if there were to be any issues (which there aren’t), I would make immediate contact with their Health Visitor or Teacher to create a plan of action to fully address my concerns.
B) They might be they might not. They tend to act like humans rather than a tick sheet so I’m trying not to focus on stuff like that and just let them be small. Also, I can’t find my red book and the development book is a bit of a snooze-fest…
C) What’s a Health Visitor? What’s a teacher?
6. Do your children watch TV?
A) Not until the age of 5 and then only pre-approved programmes or DVDs, twice a week maximum. Television kills you know. Possibly.
B) Err, do babies drink milk? Of course they watch some TV, do you? How does any parent, anywhere, get anything done without the dusty, shiny screen in the corner?
C) Sometimes, but they seem to prefer staring at walls. Or flies.
7. What stimulating and educational activities do you provide for your child?
A) Toys are divided into educational categories and activities planned and scheduled to ensure the maximum age-appropriate impact on development. It’s lots of fun!
B) Well, they squabble in dusty church halls over toy cars, and roll around at soft play in other children’s germs fairly regularly. At home we are expert at tickles and singing badly. Sometimes the children join in and sometimes they run around me screaming ‘make it stop, Mummy.’
C) We play ‘sniff the lamppost’ and also have hours of fun with a ball. Or a mud-covered stick.
8. How do you deal with your children having tantrums?
A) Swiftly and promptly, so it rarely happens. I don’t wish to preach but it’s no wonder so many children act out when their parents aren’t providing adequate boundaries.
B) It depends on a few things: how much sleep I’ve had, how much tea I’ve drank and how many times so far today they have displayed this behaviour. But sometimes, I cry right along with them.
C) I clout them across the ear or sniff their bum – which they find soothing.
Parenting Quiz – Results
Well done – you are officially perfect – and also a Billy Fibber. Enjoy your fake pretend children and compulsive lying.
P.S. If you are telling the truth then I apologise. But please: put down the brillo pad and relax, dude
So, you’re not perfect. But you are teaching your children important values such as being fallible and the many joys of baked beans. Like all parents, you have good days and not so good days, and are doing just fine – in my (very inexpert) opinion.
Um, I don’t like to judge but you’re not really on top of your game here are you? You act less like a human and more like a filthy beast.
You are a beast?
Aha, okay. Phew! Um, well you’re probably doing alright then, although I’m not really qualified to say. So um… fetch?!
Be honest – was anyone else mostly C’s?
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