Or How Not to Win at Toddler Communication…
Just a quick note to point out (in case you were not aware) that hissy fits are not a mandatory part of the day. I know you are almost two, and are perhaps feeling the pressure to live up to the badass rep of toddlerhood -but honestly – it’s not cool to follow the crowd. Also, it isn’t actually essential to yel “NO” at every question I ask (bar the offering of cake). If you would ever listen to my reasoning, you might realise that my polite requests to brush your teeth, eat your breakfast or err, wear trousers isn’t that big a deal and does not justify the rage which immediately bursts forth from your tiny, angry self.
I do understand that you are as yet unable to properly deal with your emotions – I’ve even been reading Toddler Calm. However some of your reactions are nothing short of baffling and I’d very much appreciate it if you could dial down the drama a touch. Could I perhaps suggest that say, for at least 10 minutes of every day, you don’t behave like a complete ass?
Thanks for your note, and for bumming me out right before dinner – how sensible of you – please enjoy the fallout. With regards to your suggestion, I know it is hard for you to understand after years of suppressing your feelings, but actually, if you’d gotten past page 5 of Toddler Calm, you would have seen that all I’m doing is embracing each moment and emotion – society has not yet conditioned me to its ban on being open with my feelings. I see you are trying your best to do so though, bravo. I’ll be sure to be mindful of this next time you ask for a cuddle or try to make me laugh.
All the best,
I’m sorry to have caused further offence – I do not wish to condition your emotions at all – particularly not the good ones! I’m just not convinced that getting so upset over something arguably minor is good for you – I am of course only thinking of you. And also, that if we have to do this every day for the next year, I may actually lose my mind. Just saying…
Perhaps there is something I can do to make this apparently difficult process easier for you?
You want to make things easier for me, do you… really? Well for starters, perhaps stop being so whiny about every slight inconvenience to your day, then we might get somewhere. It’s not all about you, you know.
‘Oh poor me, my tiny offspring is too much to handle, is it wine o’clock yet hahaha’
That was an impression of you by the way, in case it wasn’t clear.
FYI – you chose to have a child so as the saying goes ‘You’ve made your bed, now lie in it.’ Even though, we both know you never actually make the bed, like ever. Just saying…
OK, I think this is getting a little out of hand. For what it’s worth, I am well aware – believe me – that it’s not all about me. In fact, that’s something you may have actually picked up from my mutterings to you on occasion as you do have the tendency to lean towards self-absorption, not that I wish to start mud-slinging (in either a metaphorical or literal sense).
I did indeed choose to have you and don’t regret a moment. Except maybe that one involving leaking diarrhoea on my favourite pair of trousers but that’s pretty much it, honestly. I just hoped to make day-to-day activities, such as leaving the house, a little less fraught but I can see I am clearly wasting my breath.
Let’s forget I said anything – friends?
You’re good at forgetting things aren’t you? Is this some weird grown-up thing that, whilst clearly being a fault, is sold as a positive in order to make you feel better about your failing mind? Well, if it’s what you need to do then go right ahead, I won’t stop you. But what I will say is this: if you keep ‘forgetting’ not to offend me then I can’t be responsible for my actions. In fact, I can’t anyway, can I? That’s all down to you and your “parenting skills” isn’t it? Joy!
On a completely unrelated note, shall we go shopping and browse expensive crockery again? Do something we both enjoy?
Um, do you want to go to soft play? Is that what you’re getting at?
If that’s what you want, soft play is fine with me. Like I keep intimating – I’m all about reason and compromise.
Come fetch my coat then please. No, actually not my coat, no, no. Anything but my coat.
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