Dear Toddler – Dear Mummy

Home / Dear Toddler – Dear Mummy - April 20, 2015 , by yvettelamb

 Or How Not to Win at Toddler Communication…

dear toddler FINAL

Dear Toddler,

Just a quick note to point out (in case you were not aware) that hissy fits are not a mandatory part of the day. I know you are almost two, and are perhaps feeling the pressure to live up to the badass rep of toddlerhood -but honestly – it’s not cool to follow the crowd. Also, it isn’t actually essential to yel “NO” at every question I ask (bar the offering of cake). If you would ever listen to my reasoning, you might realise that my polite requests to brush your teeth, eat your breakfast or err, wear trousers isn’t that big a deal and does not justify the rage which immediately bursts forth from your tiny, angry self.

I do understand that you are as yet unable to properly deal with your emotions – I’ve even been reading Toddler Calm. However some of your reactions are nothing short of baffling and I’d very much appreciate it if you could dial down the drama a touch. Could I perhaps suggest that say, for at least 10 minutes of every day, you don’t behave like a complete ass?

Thanks,
Mummy xxx

 

Dear Mummy,

Thanks for your note, and for bumming me out right before dinner – how sensible of you – please enjoy the fallout. With regards to your suggestion, I know it is hard for you to understand after years of suppressing your feelings, but actually, if you’d gotten past page 5 of Toddler Calm, you would have seen that all I’m doing is embracing each moment and emotion – society has not yet conditioned me to its ban on being open with my feelings. I see you are trying your best to do so though, bravo. I’ll be sure to be mindful of this next time you ask for a cuddle or try to make me laugh.

All the best,
Toddler

 

Dear Toddler,

I’m sorry to have caused further offence – I do not wish to condition your emotions at all – particularly not the good ones! I’m just not convinced that getting so upset over something arguably minor is good for you – I am of course only thinking of you. And also, that if we have to do this every day for the next year, I may actually lose my mind. Just saying…

Perhaps there is something I can do to make this apparently difficult process easier for you?

Much love,
Mummy

 

Dear Mummy,

You want to make things easier for me, do you… really? Well for starters, perhaps stop being so whiny about every slight inconvenience to your day, then we might get somewhere. It’s not all about you, you know.

‘Oh poor me, my tiny offspring is too much to handle, is it wine o’clock yet hahaha’

That was an impression of you by the way, in case it wasn’t clear.

FYI – you chose to have a child so as the saying goes ‘You’ve made your bed, now lie in it.’ Even though, we both know you never actually make the bed, like ever. Just saying…

Regards,
Toddler

 

Dear Toddler,

OK, I think this is getting a little out of hand. For what it’s worth, I am well aware – believe me – that it’s not all about me. In fact, that’s something you may have actually picked up from my mutterings to you on occasion as you do have the tendency to lean towards self-absorption, not that I wish to start mud-slinging (in either a metaphorical or literal sense).

I did indeed choose to have you and don’t regret a moment. Except maybe that one involving leaking diarrhoea on my favourite pair of trousers but that’s pretty much it, honestly. I just hoped to make day-to-day activities, such as leaving the house, a little less fraught but I can see I am clearly wasting my breath.

Let’s forget I said anything – friends?

Big hugs,
Mummy xxx

 

Dear Mummy,

You’re good at forgetting things aren’t you? Is this some weird grown-up thing that, whilst clearly being a fault, is sold as a positive in order to make you feel better about your failing mind? Well, if it’s what you need to do then go right ahead, I won’t stop you. But what I will say is this: if you keep ‘forgetting’ not to offend me then I can’t be responsible for my actions. In fact, I can’t anyway, can I? That’s all down to you and your “parenting skills” isn’t it? Joy!

On a completely unrelated note, shall we go shopping and browse expensive crockery again? Do something we both enjoy?

Love,
Toddler

 

Dear Toddler,

Um, do you want to go to soft play? Is that what you’re getting at?

Best,
Mummy

 

Dear Mummy,

If that’s what you want, soft play is fine with me. Like I keep intimating – I’m all about reason and compromise.

Come fetch my coat then please. No, actually not my coat, no, no. Anything but my coat.

MUMMMMMYYYYYYY! Nooooooooooooooooo!

Yours reluctantly,
Toddler

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18 thoughts on “Dear Toddler – Dear Mummy”

  1. Ha! Do you know what, even though your toddler is an ‘ass’, he is also a major genius! He is so articulate and writes so incredibly well for one so young!
    Perhaps his ‘ass’ like qualities are because his genius brain is trapped in a tiny body that just can’t keep up with him.
    Perhaps this explains why my toddler is an ass too?
    Now There’s a thought!
    Great post as always!xx

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Brilliant – that must be it! Two genius boys, unable to fulfil their world-domineering abilities thanks to bodily restrictions; what a cruel hand to be dealt!
      Give them a few years and we’ll be sorted and ready to retire on the fat of their lands, hooray!
      Thanks lovely xx

  2. Morna says:

    I love your toddler, he’s a hoot!

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Haha – thank you – I will pass on your compliments when he is next in between bossy rages 😉

  3. Haha I love it, this post is absolutely brilliant I loved reading every minute of it!xx

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Ah thanks so much! The toddler likes to make himself heard – sure he is not alone there! 🙂 x

  4. Talya says:

    Bahahah love this! #brilliantblogposts

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thanks (from the toddler)!

  5. I loved this, just been chuckling to myself! Great post.

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thank you! Though the funny bits were all written by the boss man himself… 😉

  6. Safe to say we all regret those diarrhea on the trousers moments.
    Fab post deary, made me chortle!

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thank you! Sorry you have also been a victim – such a shame they don’t poop rainbows really isn’t it 😉

  7. Tim says:

    I loved this! Our oldest is 7, and I regularly have more verbally sophisticated versions of the same basic argument with him. I lose all of those too …

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thanks Tim! That isn’t very reassuring though.. I didn’t think about how much worse he will be once his language becomes more sophisticated!!

  8. Notmyyearoff says:

    Hehe don’t you just love toddlers. Thanks for linking up with Loud n Proud this week 🙂

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thanks for having me! 🙂

  9. Charu says:

    Loved the post! Especially because can see this happening with me soon. No is my 2 year’s fav word and she already knows the art of emotional blackmailing.

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thank you! They suddenly have such minds of their own when they hit two don’t they?! I am sure mine is deliberately awkward at times 😉

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