Announcing a brief blog takeover by the bambino. Normal service will be resumed. At some point. If he ever starts sleeping…
1. Milk is the greatest thing ever invented – by women or cows – or whatever. Wherever it comes from, it’s awesome, so keep it flowing.
2. Grown-ups are weird. They bemoan the fact having kids has made them boring, then don’t stop banging on about sleep and being tired. YAWN. Change the record or bore off!
3. The vast majority of baby toys are utter crap. Which loser thought making an imitation remote control that is NOTHING like the real thing was a good idea? Ditto laptop and ditto mobile phone. Poor effort, guys, poor effort.
4. In fact, grown-ups should just save their cash because there’s already a world of play in their own homes. If you can honestly find me something more fun than rifling through the bin, throwing socks down the toilet or pulling all the tins out of the cupboard then give me a holler. But I really don’t fancy your chances.
5. I have never, in all my 365 days, seen anyone act in such a contradictory manner as parents do. I caught my mum and dad practically weeping over my newborn baby grow the other day – pathetic! Yet I then heard Mum muttering about being ‘so over’ night feeds at 2 AM. Make your mind up; do you want me to grow up or not? Jeez.
6. Sleep isn’t actually THAT bad. So long as it’s on your terms, in a place of your choosing – like someone’s arms or bed – and for a duration decided by you (as a general rule of thumb, this should never be for more than 90 minutes at a time).
7. Books are meant to be loved and enjoyed but apparently NOT licked or torn. Which if you ask me, is BS, frankly and truly indicative of our nanny state.
8. The moving seats in parks are far superior to the boring ones at home, which are motionless and do not make my tummy go ‘swish.’ I’m also not allowed to use them as giant hankies or as somewhere to vomit, so I’m really not sure what purpose they actually serve. Why my mum is so keen to lounge around on them I have no idea.
9. Although there are some bizarre rules my grown-ups expect me to live by (which I naturally ignore), they are the best people I know. And my most favourite time* is spent sleepily in their arms, safe, loved and warm.
10. And despite the many oddities I have observed, I can see this world is a pretty special place where I am proud to have found my spot. There is a lot of magic and wonder – like cats and washing machines – and so much beauty. There’s the sky and the flowers, the sunshine and the rain. And there’s so much belly laughter and love, I can feel it surrounding us. I’m lucky, we all are.
Here’s to life’s adventure with its cuddles and fun and bumps and kisses better – here’s to it all.
*Food throwing and bin rifling excepted, obvs.
P.S. My baby boy has turned one. ONE! Hence the slight tone of slushery. [Shuffles off to sniff his newborn clothes and have a little weep]