I have been doing myself a little field research on why our little darlings cry like… well… babies. Here are my 33 very thorough* and scientific** findings…
1. They are tired – be responsible and let them sleep will you
2. They are not tired and you are trying to force rest – RUDE
3. They are bored – entertain ‘em for “crying” out loud
4. They have hit themselves in the face with the rattle that was supposed to entertain them
5. They are teething (you can always blame teething)
6. The cat just gave them a dirty look
7. They feel there should be more to life than milk and changing mats
8. They’re uncomfortable with the near-constant snapping. Put the camera down and get off Instagram FFS, is what they are trying to say
9. They are hungry
10. They have over-fed
11. They need to burp
12. They have, and been sick all over you – poor little thing must be mortified
13. They are offended by the sound of their gas
14. …And its smell
15. They have something really important to do and you’re holding them up. (Chewing their fist or babbling at a guess.)
16. You are cutting their nails
17. You haven’t cut their nails and they have scratched their arm
18. Their toy rabbit hanging over the cot looks rather threatening
19. They don’t care for your taste in television programmes. A Place in the Sun again? Bore off
20. They’re feeling miffed that you get to eat a double chocolate muffin while all they get is milk – where is the JUSTICE?
21. They’re deliberately crying to annoy you
22. Not really. But now they’re crying about the fact you obviously have such a low opinion of them
23. You washed their hair, how DARE you?
24. They want a cuddle
25. …But not in that position. Or that one.
26. They NEED you to play Peekaboo. Like right now
27. And they want you to sing ‘Zoom, zoom, zoom, we’re going to the moon’ but only whilst swinging them around in the air, Don’t try and fob them off with a quick warble as you sit them in their bouncer and dash to the loo. SELFISH
28. They want to keep an air of mystery, to avoid any assumptions on your part that they may be settling into a routine
29. They don’t like their outfit, what were you thinking?
30. They want to be in the Jumperoo, but with you right next to them. No, no, don’t swan off to check dinner or hang out the washing, what about me?? What are you doing?? Come back!!
31. They feel like nobody takes them seriously, what is up with the constant ‘Goo-gooing’ and silly faces?
32. They dislike the supermarket, or any place that detracts you from being at their constant beck and call
33. You frightened them with your face. You’re looking quite drawn and almost ill with tiredness you know. Really, you should get some rest.
*Test sample of one
**Middle of the night deranged humour attempt